Orals!!!!
I'm currently studying for my orals. This has been tough because in the matter of 1 month I will be grilled on questions on just about ever chemical topic I ever learned. I'm a bit scared. We all know that stress makes our skin freak out more. I have to admit that my normally mild to moderate acne is on the verge of severe. Even I don't like looking at it. In fact as of late its become so bad, I'm actually considering accutane. I'm scared of it though. I've seen what it does to your body, and especially your liver. But I'm out of options. I'm no longer the pretty girl I was in college. Now I'm completely covered in spots. The more I do to prevent them the worse it gets. I'm honestly at my wits end. I've decided that maybe you should get to see what it looks like. If I can figure out how to link stuff to this account I'll do that. I never before thought I'd consider something as drastic as accutane, but who wants to hang around a pimple face. Or what was it that Corky Kogalman used to call me in HighSchool???? Pizza Face. You know what the sad part is...my friends all had worse acne than I did in high school. I almost wish for that skin now. The skin I had before I had scars on my chin and cheeks. The skin I had before I was afraid to attend my highschool reunion. How sad is that...when your acne has gotten so bad that you're afraid to attend a reunion.
I was recently at the dermatologist. I know I know I agree I don't trust them either, but I guess they are my only hope. They put me on Doxycline...which is supposed to buy me time until my accutane appointment. I'm supposed to go on the 27th of February and allow them to give me pregnancy tests, and liver function tests etc and allow them to determine if I'm fit for accutane useage. To go on accutane, I have to give up strenuous exercise (I'm a long distance runner), I have to give up drinking (I'm an ex sorority girl), and I run a high risk for depression (My daddy is BiPolar). The worst part is,I'm willing to face all these head on simply to have my clear skin back again. The sad thing is I already know it won't work. Nothing works. I always have horrible skin. I'll always be blemished and broken. I'll always lack the self confidence to go out in bright places. Most of all I know I won't have a big wedding because I don't want people to look at me. Chris is HORRIFIED by this revelation. Its honestly nice that he thinks so highly of me, but he fails to see what this condition does to my self esteem. He fails to see that I've had my confidence stripped away with years of staring and taunting. Most of all he fails to see why I wonder why he's with me. My friend said so herself, his last long term girlfriend was gorgeous with beautiful skin. I have pimples everywhere. I get them on my chin mostly, but they extend.
You know come to think of it I haven't brought up the Chris issues yet. Chris and I fight all the time. As if my orals weren't enough stress, he has to get huffy all the time. Is if my fault I want my PhD? No Its also not my fault he gave up on college and has to struggle to get back in. I finished school on time...actually I had to invent reasons to stay another year! I guess I should get up the confidence and break up with him, but I won't. I happen to love him (I guess). As in we have amazing sex, and we have fun togehter, and I can tolerate him. I just can't tolerate his moods. One minute he's happy and telling me he loves me, and the next he's gotten all huffy and mad. I don't know what to do.

skin update: Two cysts (ew) of course on the chin. The scars from that horrible break out around Christmas are still there (sadly)...but hopefully lightening!